My sin had found me! I knew it would come out in the open sooner or later. I knew what I was doing. I knew the consequences but I did it anyway. I was caught in the very act and I was dragged outside. In all my shame, I was flung in to the open for the world to see – my mask was removed. Family, friends, church members, Sunday school kids, all with a stone in their hands – “Hypocrite” they called me. “Stone her! She deserves to die!” they shouted.
My sin had finally found me.
And there I was, flung before my Lord in all my nakedness and disgrace. He saw me as I was – me at my ugliest! I sat there with my head in my hands, covering my face. How could I show my face to Him? The Creator of the universe was watching me right now, completely defiled and undeserving of mercy. I was ashamed! Humiliated! Insulted! Rejected! Condemned! – And I deserved every bit of it.
I was scared now, waiting for the first stone to be hurled at me. But instead, I saw the Son of Man, kneel down next to me. He wrote something on the ground. I was too petrified to look. He spoke something but I was too ashamed to listen. And suddenly, I felt Him touch my ugly face with His warm hands. “Look at me” He said. “Is there anyone here who condemns you?” The world around me went strangely dim. All I could see was the face of the Son of God. I looked around and no one was there but Jesus alone. “No sir” I said. I couldn’t even take His name on my lips. I stared at the ground, tears flowing down my face. I was tired. I gave up. I was just waiting for Him to condemn me, turn His back on me, and then stone me to death. I deserved it.
But I was wrong! The epitome of holiness smiled at me as He said, “Neither do I condemn you.”
Wait, what did He say? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Surely He didn’t say that He didn’t condemn me! Surely the Son of God was the only One Who could stone me! Surely I didn’t hear it right! I asked Him again, “What did You say my Lord?” Only this time, I was smiling from ear to ear. And the Son of Man bent down, took off His own cloak and put it on to me, covering me as He smiled and said, “Go and sin no more!”
I couldn’t believe it! He really didn’t condemn me! What kind of Man was He?!!!
As He covered me and I began to embrace His grace, I suddenly became all too aware of my nakedness. My shame was overbearing. I looked around and the crowd seemed to have returned, each with a stone in their hands, waiting to hurl it at me. I stood up in fear, as I recognized every face… these people.... this crowd – they were all me! My own righteousness had found me!
I got scared. I threw the cloak Jesus put on me. “I don’t deserve Your grace Lord” I shouted as I ran! I ran away from Him as fast as I could and in to the closed doors of what I thought was my safe haven. I could still hear the crowd behind me, throwing stones at my door. I shut my ears but I could still hear them. Different aspects of my own self mocking me - the worship leader, the Sunday school teacher, the Christian blogger - every single one of them reminding of how rotten a sinner I was. All my righteousness was here... all the roles that I was proud to play, now condemning me and putting me to shame. I felt dirty all over again.
I now sit in a corner, tears rolling down my face, my head hanging in shame and knees clenched close to my chest as I look at what I’d become. When would this stop? When would I be rid of this condemnation? When would I stop running? I had become ... a wretch! That’s the only word I could think of. How did things go so bad? I keep running and running and running and nobody sees my struggle. I keep making a mockery of God’s love and grace. I’m running from my sin, and I’m running from grace, knowing full well that my fight is in vain. But I don’t see a choice. I have to struggle. My struggle bears no fruit. My sin kills my conscience and wins over my soul and I have nothing to say about it. Nothing to say to it, but to run all over again. And now I’m tired.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t realize the sudden silence that surrounded me! Where did everyone go? As I stepped out to see what was going on, I saw darkness fill the sky as I heard a voice shout out to the heavens, “Forgive them Lord.” Forgive them? “It is finished!” No! This can’t be true! As I saw my Lord’s lifeless, blood strewn body hanging on the cross, I began to realize the magnitude of what had happened. I should have been hanging on that tree. I should have been stripped and flogged and battered for the sins I had committed. But instead, this Man who knew no sin, died in my place. I shut my eyes tight, processing this realization, and truly understanding, that because of what He did, I am FREE! As I finally accepted the gift He had given, I forgave myself, and with that forgiveness and acceptance, came a peace that transcends all understanding. Did I deserve this grace? No! Did that stop Him from giving it? No. Am I grateful? - A resounding YES!
Life is when you realize that Christ, knowing full well that we would constantly doubt His love and grace, keep turning back and shoving Him off the throne of our lives, died and rose again nonetheless, and if needed, would do it all over again without so much as batting an eyelid
But here is how God has shown his love for us. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
~ Romans 5:8
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